Forum Name: ZaSpai
Aliases: Iapsaz, NOW IT'S SHULK TIME, Lady Brace, Awazeki Okanah, HOST, among others.
Classes: The key to any prospective Bann employee is versatility and consistency. The applicant has demonstrated solid foundations in Runner, Firebug, Healer and Infiltrator, and some skills in essentially every other class bar Detonator - but the art of mines will be developed in due course.
Education: Ikezawa Foundation College for Intellectual Pragmatism, major/minor in Military Biomedicine/Infiltratorial Studies, ongoing, 2014. Bender Rodriguez Memorial High School, Class of 2013.
Expected working hours per week: Bann employees are always ready to commence a job, if they are not already engaged in contract-dictated operations. That being said, regular hours expected of most green-collar workers, i.e. 40 hours, with breaks to be taken at personal expense.
Expected pay per hour: The generosity of Mr Bann's salary packaging with each contract means this is of minimal concern. In addition, many targets will have tangible funds available for repossession and potential bonuses in the paycheck - though said money would most likely be added to the communal fortnightly rate.
Formal Qualifications: Primary qualifications include Improvisational Trauma Medicine, Bioelectrochemomechanical Amplification, Armed Diplomacy, Task Force Delegation. Secondary qualifications include Pyrotechnic Engineering, Combat Dancing, High Society Bubblery.
Reasons why should I hire you: The applicant's diverse skill set and character traits are highly sought after in Mr Bann's desire for flexible, dependable Mercantiles who respect intra-organisational hierarchical constructs and who make the most out of their opportunities.
What would my Mercantiles like to do on the job? Think of it as pre-allotted leisure time. Experimental refurbishment and test runs of munitions and weaponry, advancement of inter-class social communication also known as 'taunting', intra-organisational creative and fine arts workshops.
How intangible is your head? The modern definition of head, or
capitus, is the presence of a major Roman letter on the personage of the being in question. As the applicant does not have such a letter on their person, it would be implied that their head is intangible. One must wonder, however, that the name of ZaSpai, with two captial letters, suggests that the applicant is getting
too ahead of themselves.
Explain why you need a helmet. The function of a helmet is to protect any structure that rests on a cervical construct, or in common terms, a neck. This includes the appendage that has been incorrectly termed a 'head' (it is more accurately called a calvario-cranial osseus complex), despite there being no important structures resident in that region. Regardless, mercenaries and other living beings alike value the superiority involved in possessing a calvario-cranial osseus complex over those lesser beings who do not, so appropriate protection by means of helmet, or hat, or even the natural keratinised structure of hair, is highly sought after. Disappointingly, overweights do not understand this, having been mis-taught since birth that bodily habitus determines superiority.
Explain the existence of time distortions (more commonly called “lag,”) on the battlefield. Mercenaries engaged in conflict actually exist in multiple space-time continuui - one for each mercenary present, and one for the battlefield itself. Any discrepancies between events as witnessed by each mercenary are corrected whenever the mercenaries are within an arbitrary distance near each other. The battlefield itself is not a constant frame of reference either - there are occasions where it attempts to correct the record of war with any one mercenary, which results in significant distortions in time as all other mercenaries now need to be corrected against this new temporal standard.
May we stuff your brain into a mini-robot? If not, would you first like a lobotomy to force you to agree before we pick the procedure? We have a three dimensional "Medic" on file. He's an utter sociopath. Which procedure would you like? The applicant would prefer to liaise with the resident medical officer to propose an alternate method, where the use of the patented 'Subatomic Ultrafiltration Preoxygenating Entropophobic Revitaliser Burst' as an anaesthetic agent precedes an electrochemical neurocraniectomy, and subsequent distillation and conversion into data, prior to conversion into mini-robot.
If your brain was stuffed into a robot, would it fit in the robot’s head? What is your brain size? As per Question 13, the resultant size of the neurocranium would be of the order of 4.85 zettabytes, which would require a solid state drive the size of the standard model robot head. Making a special model head to allow future expansion is always welcome.
Do you have a compulsive love of crates, knockback and being behind enemies? How much do you love it? Armed Diplomacy certificate holders live and breathe the art of rearward targeting attacks, and this includes utilising the battlefield props as needed to engage in combat as unexpectedly as possible. Naturally, without Grievous Bodily Harm With Explosives training, disengagement with knock back is the only choice.
How good is your John Cena impression - pinning people against crates? Be thorough. This is an important question. Unless the applicant is allowed to wear a butterfly mask, assume the model of a gynoid mini-robot with modifications to impersonate a legendary warrior princess who herself took the name of her heroic regal ancestor, and then be allowed to scream (or the robot equivalent thereof) L-U-CENA while charging at other beings, then it is unlikely that the applicant would have the zeal to follow through with the impression. It's worth a try, though.
What is the sound of an overweight revving up? Overweights rely on blastback mechanisms to propel themselves into battle. Naturally the sound they make during mobilisation is a perverse cacophony of flatulent expulsion of gases, chaingun shell ejection, and combusted manviches.
What is the sound of an infiltrator jumping? Infiltrators do not 'jump' in the true sense of the word. They levitate like the ghosts that some mercenaries claim to see in their peripheral vision. Unfortunately, as infiltrators are clearly not ghosts (at least until death, but that is disputable), the phenomenon of jump sounds associated with the balaclava wearing mercenaries has thus far only been attributed to heightened paranoia and auditory hallucinations. No-one takes those seriously.
What would Healer do (WWHD?) Healer is perpetually disrespected. He would naturally try and find ways to watch those he 'treats' suffer in the hope that they would start appreciating his work. It never happens. It's a miracle he hasn't resorted to self-godhood and went on a rampage - I guess his heart is too good to let people die, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't gloat at the futility of the others when they begin to realise their mortal coil is about to unravel.
What is the sound the overweight’s backstabbed healer makes while the overweight continues merrily on his way? As a follow-up to Question 19, the healer in question would probably utter with dying breath a foreign statement of how finally his teammates can suffer during the time he takes to respawn - if he chooses to respawn at all. To everyone else however, this statement just sounds like a guttural ejaculation of sound.
What is the sound the oblivious overweight makes after getting revolver-killed? Overweights have a tendency to deflate when their life force is depleted by means of sharp, high velocity projectiles. Naturally, this means they would hiss and pop in such a scenario.
Describe the (lack of) utility of the version 2.6 pyro. The applicant does not understand what a 'pyro' is. Perhaps the application meant to talk about firebugs. Firebug model 2.6 was developed with the input of every other class, and because they could not reach a resolution as to what to change, all discussed weaknesses were finalised in a rush for that capitalist carnival run by Haxton Sale. The utility for the firebug of that model was to serve as a misunderstood and unloved presence in barracks and battlefields, which mercenaries could relate to when exploring the outside world. Of course, no-one really understood the psychological implications of this utility, so the general consensus of 'firebug is useless' was chanted, to the despair of firebugs everywhere.
Explain why anyone would ever play the abomination that was the version 2.6 pyro. Again, assuming pyro is a firebug, players would choose the class in order to make themselves feel better that they didn't play firebug. Poor firebug devotees - it was a dark time.
What is behind pyro’s mask? Firebugs embrace the absence of heads to the point where their calvario-cranial osseus complexes have been severed off (they realise that this gives them tactical access to areas that are otherwise only available to mini-robots). Logically, this means that there actually isn't anything behind the mask.
Explain the basic principles of zoning as a detonator: Detonators zone by first learning the inevitability that mines are synonymous with their fertility. In order to ensure their dominance in the wars, they must forsake their ability to procreate. Only the most selfless will train to become the much-feared Black Death of the Bitlands. In practice, zoning involves controlled releases of forsaken fertility, in combination with a reckless charge of the detonator themselves, to force enemies to lose their will to fight against someone who has nothing to lose.
Is detonator bald? How unsexy/sexy does this make him? As detonators take up a path of effective chastity, they undergo similar rituals as those in a monastery, including the loss of their hair. Detonators are not allowed to converse on the topic of procreation, and most certainly do not appreciate other classes making reference to them in such unsavoury topics of conversation.
Why are detonator’s genitals white? Is this the power of the Warebear or some other force of nature? The conversion of fertility into mines results in a bizarre impetiginous phenomenon for the detonators in their genital region. You would have to ask the other healers for a proper medical explanation, as the applicant is not well versed in dermatology, urology or andrology.
Explain which class is the most fashionable and why it isn't the infiltrator: The infiltrator is choosing the fashion trend for the future. They have no need to be fashionable now when runners and constructors argue over who has the trendiest garb in the wars. Of course both of those classes are wrong - it's actually the detonators who are the most fashionable - not being distracted by requirements to procreate means they can invest more time into making themselves more stylish. After all, they are wearing the finest cargo pants this side of Truefort.
What is the best class and why is it the rocketman? The rocketman is the only true MAN in the gang. All the others are
wormfeed.
Name and explain a weakness of the rocketman? Heh heh heh. Good luck! Rocketmen know that they can't encourage their teammates to all class change to rocketman, because then there won't be any other class to compete with. They won't be the best class anymore. As a result, other classes (mainly runners) laugh at them and their bizarre superiority/inferiority complex.
Why should I bother sniping when I have the ROCKETMANG? No other class has the attitude and dead eye from down under. Also, they are the only other class to be a MAN - man enough to use rifles outfitted with autogun firing technology - that's manly. Of course, no-one believes dinki di four eyes is a true MAN - why play a fake man when you can play the TRUE MAN?
When will the rifleman be removed in favour of getting m+9 bound to another rocketman? When the Rocketman League forcibly strips the MAN off the Riflemen. Surely no-one would play a class called the Rifle.
What is the constructor’s union, and why do I hate it? Constructors are taught to build so they can profit off it. None of them are truly selfless beings - anything they do is to ensure they receive a nice lump sum, superannuation to last them throughout their retirement, and plenty of self-built perks that they can make money off as people worldwide are forced to live with their devices which have become household necessities. The Constructors' Union is simply a class action means of seemingly demanding fairer pay while working as mercenaries, but in reality is all a ruse to swindle money off employers.
Is the constructor’s union still alive and kicking? No really, I need to know this so ZaSpai can hire “nice people,” to deal with them. As long as constructors are taught the ways of the Union, it will remain. Diplomatic resolution will require a worldwide revision - with blood - of the Constructor curriculum.
Constructor players, how terrified are you right now? Non-constructors, how would you like a “contract job” right now? Constructors are too distracted by dreams of being rich to realise their mortal danger. Thankfully they're also incredibly dull people, so they are easy to catch off guard by other, more sociable classes.
Why does everyone like the intelligence briefcase so much? Is it full of drugs or something? The intelligence has been proven in multiple randomized controlled trials to boost the intelligence of its carrier by a magnitude of sixty-nine fold. Clearly, it wouldn't be named the 'intelligence' briefcase if nothing intelligent came out of it.
Do drugged up runners dance better than sober runners? Why? Drugged up runners tend to perform extremely unpredictably, which is often good for combat dancing. However, sober runners, with their regular soba noodle afternoon snack, remain adequately nourished to perform technically difficult combat dances with a high level of consistency. It's strange that no-one has proposed drugged up soba noodles for the runners.
Dancing queen, so obscene, why's runner the dancing queen? Runner is secretly an ABBA fanboy. He also thinks that he can re-enact the battle of Waterloo and get Money, Money, Money if he practises his four-part routines during conflicts. Also he's great at Knowing Me, Knowing You, so he picks up on footwork very quickly.
“The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.” How does a runner respond? Runners don't like rhymes when the rhythm isn't quite up to scratch. Despite their youthful looks, they're actually quite sophisticated. In this case, they'd tell the other person to talk to the firebugs about the philosophy in the lyrics, and instead choose something more universally popular to sing and dance for him.
Describe the sound of Alex Jones (player or pundit both work). The perpetual profanities in the battlefield allocated voice transmission system. Thankfully, if those are not available, there is but silence.
ClockDoc is following you! How do you respond? Firstly, what is a ClockDoc? Why is it following me? Is this actually a female healer? Can I attempt to redirect this ClockDoc to the local Curly Orphanage? Why is it responding to my
even though I'm not on its team? Did it just use high order bubblery to talk to me? Should I feel honoured or scared by a doting female robotic healer? Why are there runners lusting over this robot?
CloakDoc is following you! How do you respond? Double check the team roster, ponder as to whether that typographical error was simply an error, and then wonder if ClockDoc's creator made another robot to distract everyone with. After all, the real ClockDoc will be around soon enough.
Which class would enjoy a Bugs Bunny cartoon the most and why? Overweights have an uncanny ability to find anything aimed at children to be a good source of humour. Expected, given they talk about infants a lot.
Who is Mr. Sale, how do we plan to take all of his money, and how are we putting his company to shame? Should we burn the witch while we are at it? Haxton Sale, The Golden Devil of the Nordic Fredmann Empire. Executive Officer and Owner of Fredmann Co., and the organiser of the Haxxies. A deal involving selling parachute pants to Greeks while undercutting Sale's counter-market muscling, which will result in a market majority for BMC and lead to a ruined pride for sale. Burning is too good for a corporate demon like Sale - a gradual torture and enslaving would be far more beneficial to our cause.
Did the last Eurozone bailout give Greece enough money to buy more parachute pants? If so, how much profit can we make? If not, how do we get out of this deal? The Greeks are all secretly either Bann or Sale operatives. They'll afford the new shipments. For actual people of Hellenic descent (if they hadn't already been evacuated to other Mediterranean nations), they will soon realise that parachute pants will have far more potential value than whatever they might still own that has value exceeding the Zimbabwean dollar. Fortunes are looking up at BMC.
Who is worst Raybann organizer, and why is it Billy or Oktoberfest? Billy was actually an informant for Sale who feigned interest in our campaign last year so he could siphon off our hard work. Thankfully, Hanako and ZaSpai 'dealt' with him in a quick, painless manner. (The previous sentence is not exactly true.) Oktoberfest was an old buffoon whose job ended up being warming the company seats. Thank you, but we can afford seat warmers now.
Why should we ignore both of them and fire Arctic (King Hardass II, Disqualifier of Screenshots), Hanako (the hardass screenshot incinerator), ZaSpai (the hardass screenshot stabber and sapper from down under), and Dumbledank (the one that's actually pretty cool) instead? There were rumours of Hanako and ZaSpai intending to desert the company last year, so their trust could be called under question. However, both of them deny that it was the case, and rather Mr Bann had arranged for body doubles to perform such a risky manoeuvre in a staged event. Arctic is employed under temporary contract. Dumbledank owns the Zimbabwean economy - people don't seem to like Zimbabweans having power over anything. How petty.
Have you given proper dues to your Lord and Saviour, Sani? Describe the last sacrifice, human or otherwise, you delivered upon the altar. The last sacrifice made was a life size replica of the fabled beaver Momentai and his German unionist ally Agh. They were cremated by means of a recreated Psychopath medical grade portable flame autoclave.
Declare all the information in this application is true. For example: “I Dumbledank solemnly swear that all the information contained within this application is true. I understand that entering false information may jeopardize my prospective employment with Bann Mercantile Group (Ltd.).” The catch: you may not use this wording. Come up with your own. The funnier, the better.'The applicant, ZaSpai, takes this oath with blood, and declares that for the duration of completing this application, no Unionist, Rocketman, Infiltrator or other outside influence had any bearing on the legitimacy and accuracy of the entries, and that if found otherwise, a lifetime's supply of cigarettes and precious gemstones must be offered to Mr Bann as penalty for tempting the applicant's vocational fate. (Note that employment in such a situation is not guaranteed.)'Design a signature for me, Mr. Ray Bann of the Bann Mercantile Group.
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Topic: Thread Challenge 7: The Bann Job Application (Read 20426 times)
