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[the useless soldier]

an overweight approaches me at a furious pace with his minigun angled towards me. i can feel my legs quiver, but i stand my ground. the rhythmic pumping of his legs is quite mesmerizing, and i cannot help but stare at it. he is so close to me now that i can see the pixelated blob of his shoe, and i point my weapon downwards at his feet.

my first round hits the ground beneath him right as he jumps to avoid my rocket.

it was futile.

he flies up into the air, and i cannot help but admire his graceful acrobatics through the air. he gradually slows his ascent as he nears the peak of skyward ascent. and in that instant i snap the barrel of my weapon upwards.

i fire.

his flight through the air is violently interrupted as he is rocketed upwards. he looks down at me with surprise, and wiggles his body in an attempt to make his movements unpredictable. i position myself under him once again, and aim the barrel once again.

i fire.

higher and higher he soars! he has lost most of his momentum by now, and begins to gain speed as he falls down towards the ground. i am below him, and i can already imagine the brunt of his weight landing on top of me. beads of sweat are forming upon my forehead as i consider what a disgraceful death that would be. hurriedly, i quickly insert another rocket into the barrel. as i snap the barrel up again, i only pray that the last thing i see will not be the posterior of the descending overweight. i close my eyes.

i fire.

his descent has only been slowed, but he is still falling towards me. as i reload, the heavy takes advantage of that to snatch the manvich from his back pocket. he looks at me with a smile, and starts munching on it at a furious pace.

and as he approaches, i look downwards at my polished boots. i can only dream of the glorious days of my youth, when i was able to take down even the most obese enemies! alas, my time has come. i snap the barrel down, and a single tear drips down my face. i smile.

and i fire.