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Author Topic: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe  (Read 3079 times)

cabalier

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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The following is a work of pure fiction and an unabashed parody of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven, which you can find here. The rhyme scheme and meter are identical. Warning - mild profanity ahead. Enjoy!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Runner
by Engie Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight gentle, while I camped on Paramental,
Napping by my turret, loosing every now and then a snore,
While I nodded, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a beeping,
As of someone quickly leaping, leaping off the nearby floor.
“‘Tis a friendly spy,” I muttered, “leaping off the nearby floor-
Only this, and nothing more.”

Clearly I recall my fervor at that damned Korean server,
Every movement teleporting, rubberbanding more and more.
Angrily I cursed our hoster - he was hosting on a toaster -
Ping was on a rollercoaster. Fucking bitch! A fucking whore!
Torrenting the gayest porn, our host, a motherfucking whore -
Laggy now, forevermore.

And the sound of every jumping, every noise, my heart went thumping,
Infiltrator enemies seemed all around me, here for war,
So that now, to calm my senses, I crouched down, behind defenses.
“‘Tis a friendly spy approaching, leaping off the nearby floor,
Or a friendly healer coming, jumping off the nearby floor,
This it is, and nothing more.”

Soon I stopped my pointless doubting, steeled my will and started shouting -
“Dude”, I typed, “Or girl – whatever - have you checked the fucking score?
Stomping pubbies while I’m sleeping, seeing their pathetic weeping,
Meanwhile you’re just fucking leaping, leaping off the nearby floor,
Fight me 1v1!” I challenged, myself leaping off the floor.
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Scared, unnerved, I stood there glancing, watching for a foe advancing,
Listening for jumping, not quite sure what I was looking for.
But I heard no sounds of movement, saw no signs of great improvement.
Then, the chatbox flooded with the message - “We should play on noir!”
Spamming, line by line, a single message - “We should play on noir!”
Merely this and nothing more.

Spraying shotgun blasts around me, this was starting to confound me!
Soon enough, I heard a beeping somewhat louder than before.
“From the left?”, I questioned, noting, “That is where a platform’s floating!
Let me take a look and show this retard troll the fucking door -
Let me leave my spot a moment, just to show this guy the door -
‘Tis a troll and nothing more!”

Dropping to the ground, I headed left, to challenge what I dreaded.
Standing on a crate, a runner, covered all in blood and gore.
I had no clue what he wanted. Scattergun in hand, he taunted,
Foolish, brash, he stood undaunted, leaping off the platform floor,
Leaping up and down the crate and bouncing off the platform floor,
Jumped and jumped, and nothing more.

Up and down the scout kept going, quickly was my anger growing,
Thusly, I began to type - no longer could I just ignore!
“What the hell you fuckin’ doing? It’s the intel we’re pursuing!
You will be our team’s undoing!” Then I flashed a brief z4,
Angrily I bubbled fast - z3, x2, z3, z4.
Quoth the runner, “Europoor.”

Fuming mad, I had to question this annoying scout’s obsession -
Jumping up and down seemed nothing short of useless - quite a bore.
But the scout’s response was cryptic, and a little bit autistic,
and, of course, somewhat simplistic - I resolved to find out more,
Learn about this silly runner leaping off the platform floor.
Quoth the runner, “Europoor.”

“Runner, what is your intention? Do you need an intervention?
Red is down an intel, help us win - we only need two more!
While you should be outside capping, over here you’re busy fapping,
Or perhaps you’re fucking napping. Two more caps and we'll have four!
All you need to do is jello, all we need to win is four!”
Quoth the runner, “Europoor.”

What the fuck? Was this guy crazy? Was he just fatigued and lazy?
Or a troll like Alex Jones (the guy behind the INFOWAR)?
Curious, I held the shift key, checked the scoreboard in a jiffy.
Holy shit - his points read FIFTY, how did he achieve this score?
Twenty-eight was all I had, so how did he obtain this score,
He, the scout named “Europoor”?

Mysteries I had to answer - was this scout a pro, a dancer?
Possibly an aliasing hero of gg2 lore?
“Scout,” I questioned, “Fearsome slayer - you an ancient forum-stayer?
Or a simple public player? What are you just jumping for?
What would someone skilled like you continue to keep jumping for?”
Quoth the runner, “Europoor.”

Every time I tried a greeting, his response just kept repeating;
I was almost out of options I was willing to explore.
I'm not even European! Was this xenophobe Korean?
Who was this goddamn plebeian who I totally abhorred,
Who was this obnoxious asshole who I hated and abhorred?
Quoth the runner, “Europoor.”

That was it; I couldn't handle any more of this damn vandal.
It was time to crush this loser, just as I had steamrolled [KOR]!
Then and there, I sprung to action, switched to BLU (the other faction),
then prepared for liquefaction – Firesuit was what I wore,
Fireproof and glistening, a pyro's suit was what I wore,
Ready for this “Europoor.”

Torch in hand, I marched straight forward, looking for this runner coward.
Little did he know I won “Best Pyro” many years before!
There – the platform! He was jumping! Time to give this fuck a thumping!
Then, his scattergun was pumping, pumping shots into my core,
He, inside my sprite, was pumping shots directly at my core.
Quoth the runner, “Europoor.”

Clearly bested, I was dying, nearly at the point of crying,
Time to leave, before this scout could add a point onto his score.
I was angry, I admit it. One last look before I quit it,
One last peek before I hit it, peeking at the chat once more,
Hoping for some message, I was looking at the chat once more.
One word only: “Europoor.”

Angrily, I closed the window. There was still a way to win, though;
Forumers might know about this guy, this runner “Europoor.”
In a thread, I clearly detailed how I tried and failed (and re-failed),
But the thread was promptly derailed: all the posters called me sore,
Laughing at my plight, they called me salty, butthurt, noob, and sore.
Still unknown, this “Europoor.”

Now I sit and tell this story, having lost my former glory.
Since that midnight, I have never seen that runner anymore.
Many moments have I squandered, public servers have I wandered,
Forum messages I pondered - Still, a sacred oath I swore,
Solemnly, an iron vow, a holy covenant I swore:
“Find the runner, Europoor.”
« Last Edit: August 22, 2014, 12:06:27 am by cabalier »
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Strychnine

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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2014, 12:37:01 am »

:')
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ZaSpai

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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2014, 12:37:47 am »

Will probably read/record this too.
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Dumbledank

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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2014, 05:13:26 am »

Simply the best. No competition. GG.
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t~

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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2014, 06:12:56 am »

Simply the best. No competition. GG.
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^_^

Derpduck

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21Dan

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<ThouBot> Thou neighboreth finds nay m'rcy in thou eaye. Thou common-kissing nut-hook.
<BassMakesPaste> nut-hook
<BassMakesPaste> thoubot, what is a nut-hook
<ThouBot> Thou'seth face..
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[17:57] <Nex> WTF BOB?! http://puu.sh/8T52s.png
[17:57] <Nex> How'd you break a GRAPH
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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2014, 09:03:42 am »

Cool


yes I went here to break that quote chain
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Derpduck

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cabalier

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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2014, 07:28:34 pm »

thanks for reading, everyone!

Will probably read/record this too.
cool, thanks for the support :c1:

ZaSpai

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Re: [Other Written Entry] - [cabalier] - The Runner, by Engie Allan Poe
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2014, 10:06:27 pm »

As promised:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0I4pXB6P9PM

I've received complaints about zed/noir (from one person). Oh well. Also, don't mind the shameless advertising at the end.
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